Right! Sort of funny when you're sitting there listing to it. The room was really silent. He just looked at me like I should of had something important to say... but really ... I said nothing, I just sat there, staring at him. Really?! I thought. It's so selfish. All the 87 years that you have had and all the things that you can think about is dying!? Huh!
Maybe I'm a whole bunch of selfish. In reality I hate coming here and having to look at him stuggling to entertain me when all I want is to help him. I really thought that this was going to be so much easier that what it is.
I thought that I would walk in the door and say "Hi, I'm here to take you where ever you need to go. Do what ever you need to do." But it doesn't appear to be working out that way. I seem to be more of a burden than a help which makes it harder to come back.
Ya know what .. he says, "Why don't I just die and get it over with," Well, Fuck him! I'm not going to let that happen. I'm just not. She can't live without him and I'm not old enough to be without a Grand Grandpa B. So Fuck him and the Death that he rode in on.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Too Much ... Too Fast
april 23rd, move in day, came and went. mom, dad, and i decided that it was better for the grand b's if daddy would tell them that i was moving up here to "assist" them with anything that they needed. from what i hear that conservation didn't go very well.
april 24th, amanda smooth over day, came and went. there again was nothing to report. i thought that if i gave them a night to sleep on it then they would be more receptive to the fact that i was staying here for awhile. the female grand b says to my mother ... "we'll take care of her anyway that we can!"
wait .... take care of me. this is nothing how i have planned it to be. apparently what we have here is a failure to communicate.
april 25th ... thats today ... and after breakfast this morning ... after mom and dad has left the new apartment ... DMB has returned to the homeland, i sit here wondering if i have made the right decision. of course i have ... but will they allow me to get to know them again. has it just not been explained to them what it is that i am doing here? was the decsion just a bad one in having daddy tell them that i was here and not me? was it just too much too fast?
at breakfast this morning the male grand b told me that you should never tell a man who is leaving an auto parts store after making a purchase to have a nice day. it seemed like such an odd thing to say ... my whole retail life i had been trained to tell people to have a great day after making whatever purchase they were making in my store. no no ... not at an auto parts store according to the grand b. you see that man was spending his 10 dollars on a part that he didnt want to spend. he was spending 10 dollars ... 10 dollars that he had stuffed away from his wife that was meant for something else ... now it was being spent on a auto part that he had no intention of buying that morning when he woke up. you see that man was not going to have a nice day at all. i just smiled at the grand b. he was right ... he'd seen that man leave his auto parts store thousands of times and never did he tell them to have a nice day ... just that he was thankful for the business!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
today was the day that i decided to be a grown up ....
and so he said ... he, being my father.
it's strange being an only child. everything is mine. i mean that's what they tell you growing up right ... everything is yours. everything.
6 years ago when my mom's dad died, the last of the Miles grandparents as i knew them, i swore off klamath falls, oregon and the b's. it's hard as i sit here now and try to put 6 years of emotion into words. 6 years of things that i never wanted to understand but knowing someday that i would have too.
maybe the path to healing is to start at the beginning ... and maybe the beginning to any adventure, or the begining of healing is to start admiting that they, your grandparents are going to die.
7 days ago i sat across the dining room table that i had dinner every night as a child and proclimed my most adult decison. i was moving to oregon, for 2 weeks out of every month, to take care of the only gandparents that i had left. the b's. my father's parents. i was going to take on the Grand B Project.
Today ... April 15, 2010 ... Amanda Marie Baldwin ... has now completed step 1 in the Grand B Project. i have secured an apartment in klamath falls, oregon.
it's hard to describe why i'm doing this. why i'm leaving my family, DMB, for 14 days out of a month for almost perfect strangers. no one actually understands. but i need too. i don't have too. it's not my obligation. it's not my family duty. i'm not paid to do it. no one asked me to. but i can't sleep at night knowing that they (the grand b's) are there without me. i need them to know that i'm there to help them. i want them to know that i'm there to help them.
i'm sure there are a ton of faults in me that i'll find out along this adventure ... but mostly ... i just want to know them. i don't think i was robbed of them growing up ... but even as i write this tonight ... i have no childhood memories of them. i just have this passionate need to be there for them in every way possible.
in a letter that she wrote me on September 9, 2006 ...
"Dear Mandy,
"Labor intensive" paid off real well - your latest card was beautiful and very much appreciated and we thank you so much. I've forgotten what you called the other little spiral things (Grandpa says "just fake it) but the latest effort was really great.
Richard Seltzer (or rather George and Ada shopped for and bought a swimming pool) got a pool for his dog who pulled some muscles or got all brusied up jumping off Seltzers' back porch and the dog used it as long as Richard was there to hold his tummy up. Boy, if you figure all that out, you shoul dget an "A" for effort.
I thought maybe you could use bits of the enclosed cards in your card making or at least enjoy the pictures; and then, there's a couple freebies for you.
We had a good visit with your Mom and Dad and certanily appreciate their making the trip particularly in such hot weather but we love to see them rain or shine.
Grandpa thought we would have two crates of peaches from our little tree and so far we've picked four crated waiting for ripening and canning and the pear tree has more pears than there were peaches.
Well, I have one more letter to answer, a bill to pay and some ordering from one of the hundred or so catalogs we get, so will close for now and thank you again.
Love you much,
Grandpa and Grandma"
and it's because of these letters that i must move there and be with them. for 60 years its only been the 2 of them. and now it will be me with them.
it's strange being an only child. everything is mine. i mean that's what they tell you growing up right ... everything is yours. everything.
6 years ago when my mom's dad died, the last of the Miles grandparents as i knew them, i swore off klamath falls, oregon and the b's. it's hard as i sit here now and try to put 6 years of emotion into words. 6 years of things that i never wanted to understand but knowing someday that i would have too.
maybe the path to healing is to start at the beginning ... and maybe the beginning to any adventure, or the begining of healing is to start admiting that they, your grandparents are going to die.
7 days ago i sat across the dining room table that i had dinner every night as a child and proclimed my most adult decison. i was moving to oregon, for 2 weeks out of every month, to take care of the only gandparents that i had left. the b's. my father's parents. i was going to take on the Grand B Project.
Today ... April 15, 2010 ... Amanda Marie Baldwin ... has now completed step 1 in the Grand B Project. i have secured an apartment in klamath falls, oregon.
it's hard to describe why i'm doing this. why i'm leaving my family, DMB, for 14 days out of a month for almost perfect strangers. no one actually understands. but i need too. i don't have too. it's not my obligation. it's not my family duty. i'm not paid to do it. no one asked me to. but i can't sleep at night knowing that they (the grand b's) are there without me. i need them to know that i'm there to help them. i want them to know that i'm there to help them.
i'm sure there are a ton of faults in me that i'll find out along this adventure ... but mostly ... i just want to know them. i don't think i was robbed of them growing up ... but even as i write this tonight ... i have no childhood memories of them. i just have this passionate need to be there for them in every way possible.
in a letter that she wrote me on September 9, 2006 ...
"Dear Mandy,
"Labor intensive" paid off real well - your latest card was beautiful and very much appreciated and we thank you so much. I've forgotten what you called the other little spiral things (Grandpa says "just fake it) but the latest effort was really great.
Richard Seltzer (or rather George and Ada shopped for and bought a swimming pool) got a pool for his dog who pulled some muscles or got all brusied up jumping off Seltzers' back porch and the dog used it as long as Richard was there to hold his tummy up. Boy, if you figure all that out, you shoul dget an "A" for effort.
I thought maybe you could use bits of the enclosed cards in your card making or at least enjoy the pictures; and then, there's a couple freebies for you.
We had a good visit with your Mom and Dad and certanily appreciate their making the trip particularly in such hot weather but we love to see them rain or shine.
Grandpa thought we would have two crates of peaches from our little tree and so far we've picked four crated waiting for ripening and canning and the pear tree has more pears than there were peaches.
Well, I have one more letter to answer, a bill to pay and some ordering from one of the hundred or so catalogs we get, so will close for now and thank you again.
Love you much,
Grandpa and Grandma"
and it's because of these letters that i must move there and be with them. for 60 years its only been the 2 of them. and now it will be me with them.
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