today was the day that i decided to be a grown up ....

and so he said ... he, being my father.

it's strange being an only child. everything is mine. i mean that's what they tell you growing up right ... everything is yours. everything.

6 years ago when my mom's dad died, the last of the Miles grandparents as i knew them, i swore off klamath falls, oregon and the b's. it's hard as i sit here now and try to put 6 years of emotion into words. 6 years of things that i never wanted to understand but knowing someday that i would have too.

maybe the path to healing is to start at the beginning ... and maybe the beginning to any adventure, or the begining of healing is to start admiting that they, your grandparents are going to die.

7 days ago i sat across the dining room table that i had dinner every night as a child and proclimed my most adult decison. i was moving to oregon, for 2 weeks out of every month, to take care of the only gandparents that i had left. the b's. my father's parents. i was going to take on the Grand B Project.

Today ... April 15, 2010 ... Amanda Marie Baldwin ... has now completed step 1 in the Grand B Project. i have secured an apartment in klamath falls, oregon.

it's hard to describe why i'm doing this. why i'm leaving my family, DMB, for 14 days out of a month for almost perfect strangers. no one actually understands. but i need too. i don't have too. it's not my obligation. it's not my family duty. i'm not paid to do it. no one asked me to.  but i can't sleep at night knowing that they (the grand b's) are there without me. i need them to know that i'm there to help them. i want them to know that i'm there to help them.

i'm sure there are a ton of faults in me that i'll find out along this adventure ... but mostly ... i just want to know them. i don't think i was robbed of them growing up ... but even as i write this tonight ... i have no childhood memories of them. i just have this passionate need to be there for them in every way possible.

in a letter that she wrote me on September 9, 2006 ...

"Dear Mandy,

"Labor intensive" paid off real well - your latest card was beautiful and very much appreciated and we thank you so much. I've forgotten what you called the other little spiral things (Grandpa says "just fake it) but the latest effort was really great.

Richard Seltzer (or rather George and Ada shopped for and bought a swimming pool) got a pool for his dog who pulled some muscles or got all brusied up jumping off Seltzers' back porch and the dog used it as long as Richard was there to hold his tummy up. Boy, if you figure all that out, you shoul dget an "A" for effort.

I thought maybe you could use bits of the enclosed cards in your card making or at least enjoy the pictures; and then, there's a couple freebies for you.

We had a good visit with your Mom and Dad and certanily appreciate their making the trip particularly in such hot weather but we love to see them rain or shine.

Grandpa thought we would have two crates of peaches from our little tree and so far we've picked four crated waiting for ripening and canning and the pear tree has more pears than there were peaches.

Well, I have one more letter to answer, a bill to pay and some ordering from one of the hundred or so catalogs we get, so will close for now and thank you again.

Love you much,

Grandpa and Grandma"

and it's because of these letters that i must move there and be with them. for 60 years its only been the 2 of them. and now it will be me with them.